With that said, I would also like to take this time to write a letter to someone I used to know. She will probably never read this and if she does she will probably argue every point I make but the fact still stands that I need to let go of the pain and anger I have. I am tired of hating this person but they will be in my life for the rest of my life so I must do something.
Dear old friend of mine,
when I first met you I was young and naive. You were older and cool. You made me feel like I had a friend, a sister, a confidant. You invited me into your family, you let me stay with you, you even set me up on a date with your brother at my urging. You wanted us to be together and things could not have gone any better! That is when our friendship ended. You got jealous of the time I spent with him and would make me feel guilty for falling in love with him. You once told me that you would help me cheat on him if that is what I wanted and you would never tell him. You would scream and yell at me if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. You got your mom to dislike me for some time because you turned me into a person even I didn't recognize. I was mean and vindictive. I said things to you that I normally would not say to people even if I did not like them. You got people to see me as this mean girl who bullied you but you never told anyone how cruel you had been to me. You tried to get me fired from not one but two jobs and succeeded in getting me transferred from the first one. We patched things up and tried to be friends again but it just never worked out. You made my engagement miserable. You told my fiance that you did not think we should get married. You were angry that I had not made you my maid of honor so you treated me like dirt. You tried to hurt me by parading your friendship with the first person Scott loved in my face. You made things tense between your mom and me throughout the whole wedding. Things were at their worst when you told your mom's family lies about me and made things so miserable that even Scott stopped going around his own family and stopped talking to most everyone including you. I was so broken up about the whole thing I contemplated suicide. I thought Scott would be better off without me and be better with his family. It hurt too much to put him in the position of not getting along with his family. I have never felt so hated and unwanted by people I called family before but you made sure they believed what you said, you made sure they knew I was the bad person you described to them about me. I have spent days upon days hating you. I get angry when I see your face in old pictures or at parties. I get mad when your name comes up. I get so angry because you hurt me. You hurt me more than any other person has ever hurt me in my whole life. My anger and hatred for you comes from a deep and dark place in my heart. I so badly wanted a sister and you took my love for you and blew it up with envy and maliciousness. The only way for me to move on in my life is to forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me. I know you will never apologize to me or Scott for the pain and grief you have caused us but I still forgive you. I am still hurt and will never forget what you did to me but it can no longer be my burden to hate you. I will no longer think about you or let you affect my life because it does not do anything for me or Scott to hold resentment against you. I wish you a happier life than you have given yourself but that is your problem to deal with not mine anymore. I want my life back from you and today I forgive you to get it back.
-Javaneh Fennell
14
October 2014
The
Path of Friendship
“Don't
walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not
follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” -Albert Camus
I
was walking down a path and ahead of me I saw a person that I might
like. Fun and happy, lively and bright I walked up and made
conversation. I made a friend that day on the path but soon that
friend turned into something else. The joyous friend turned into a
heel. I was begged and guilted into leading ahead but I was a
miserable leader. I liked to smell the flowers and wander aimlessly,
my friend needed more direction. I parted ways and continued on my
path. Up ahead I saw another soul. This person looked more confident
and established. I made my way and introduced myself. I felt more
guided and less needed. This new friend set out ahead and tried to
push me into their path. I sauntered behind while this friend
attempted to set the pace. They bullied through and tried to shove me
away from the person I truly was. I could not follow so I fell
behind. I continued on my way and found someone smelling the flowers.
I walked up and sniffed the flowers beside them. We walked along the
path and took our time enjoying the outdoors. I mentioned the bright
blue sky, they mentioned the glittering sun off the lake. I found a
friend to walk the path beside me. I was not asked to lead, I was not
forced to follow I just found a soul to share this happy path of
friendship with in life.
15
October 2014
And
Then Time Stood Still
The
day was like any other, coffee roasting throughout the house, toast
popping out of the toaster and the alarm clock blaring after she
forgot to turn it off when she woke up that morning. It all started
off so normal, so plain, so boring but something in the pit of her
stomach was off. She turned off her alarm, put jam on her toast,
drank her coffee as she went about her morning getting ready for the
day. Life hadn't been the easiest for her. She found out a year ago
she had cancer. After months of treatment and nights agonizing over
her mortality she beat cancer and was making the most of life. She
had already flown to Brazil and taken a long trip cruising the Amazon
with her friends and today she was off to Paris with her mother. The
day had started off ordinary but by heading to Paris, the day was
going to be glorious! The taxi had arrived at her house with her mom.
They were jet setting to the land of espressos and art! Love and
fashion! They giggled the whole way to the airport and talked about
the fun they would have waking around the most walkable city in the
world. They were about 20 minutes from the airport and then time
stood still. She laughed and as she tilted her head back she saw a
car in the rear view mirror racing towards their stopped taxi in
traffic. It is funny when they say your whole life flashes in front
of you before you die but it's not true. Your fears flash before your
eyes. Your shattered dreams and anxiety over the impending doom flash
before your eyes. Before she could really process the accident it
happened. All was silent, all was quiet. The morning was like any
other morning but the evening was tragically different for the girl
who survived cancer.
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