My most important post: Remembering an icon and the struggles with depression.

I have spent the last two days deciding what I would say in this specific blog. Ever since hearing about the tragic passing of comedian and icon Robin Williams I have felt compelled to discuss depression and suicide. Before anything is said I have to say how sad I was to hear of Robin Williams passing and how heart broken I was to learn that he was in such a dire state that he took his own life. Usually when a celebrity dies I feel sad for their families but I don't know these people so I don't feel anything more than sadness for their families. I grew up on Robin Williams films. Hook made me believe that growing up was okay so long as you remembered your childhood dreams. Jumanji made me really excited to play board games just in case the game decided to come to life. Aladdin helped me realize that helping people came with great perks of appreciation. Jack made me understand empathy. Robin Williams has done stand up for common folk, famous friends and our beloved troops. He has been a crazy alien, an obsessed photo tech, a Jewish prisoner without a radio, a president in a museum, a man boy, a psychologist, a genie, a father with an RV and, my favorite, a Smoochy hating disgraced kid's show host. He has played every layer an actor could play and he has been an incredible activist for people and animals. He changed his life after having children and was honest about his struggles. He never once made excuses for his mistakes. The saddest part is the fact that he struggled with depression his whole life. He was tortured. He was broken. He hurt so bad he couldn't do life any longer. He was one of my favorites and I am very sad he is no longer around to bring us all joy.

The thing with depression is that it is one of the most misunderstood subjects around. I used to think that suicide was cowardly and it made me so angry whenever anyone tried it or committed it. I think I felt this way because I have contemplated suicide and I attempted suicide once (sorry you have to hear this for the first time on my blog mom). I was about 17 and really struggling. I did not have a very good relationship with my mom, my father was not at all a father, my father was very violent towards my brother and verbally abusive to my mom who had to work all the time to care for us, I was very insecure and frankly I hated everything about myself. My form of self harm was very controlled. I couldn't cut because my mom would see so I would hit myself where my clothes would cover me, I would hit my head on the wall and I would pinch myself on my inner thighs and wrists. One day I read that you could overdose on ibuprofen. We always kept the giant bottles of hundreds of ibuprofen. I knew that that was my escape from this horrible feeling of darkness and self hate so I poured a handful (this is really difficult to write) and just as I put my hand to my mouth I received a text from my Oma. It said, "Goodnight baby, I love you!" I paused for a minute. I had only managed to swallow a few pills and it hit me that I couldn't do this to my family. I thought they would be better off without me but I didn't want them to have to deal with me being dead in our house. I spit out the pills, put them back in the cabinet, vomited and cried myself to sleep. This is the very first time anyone has heard this besides my husband and I believe one or two very close friends. I still deal with depression and I have had dark enough moments to contemplate suicide. It is a daily struggle to stay afloat and my husband has really helped me understand how much of a mistake it would be to end me life.

Now with that said, suicide is not a cowardly thing. Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is horrible and awful and disastrous and that what makes it so sad. People who contemplate suicide go through many feelings. For me, I know my family and friends would be sad if I was gone but I felt as if it would be a relief for them. I wouldn't be a burden anymore and I could just let go of all my pain and anguish I held inside of me. The mentality of someone thinking of killing themselves is not a reasonable one so don't put too much thought into it. They are VERY broken.There is no light to life, there is nothing good left, other's will do better without you and the weight of the world is just far to heavy to carry any longer. I have heard many people say that suicide is a choice and that suicide is not the result of a disease. It actually is. Depression and other forms of mental illness are very much a disease. Maybe you don't get it from touching something or eating something but it is a chemical imbalance that does not go away by willing it. Sometimes medication helps, sometimes psychology helps and sometimes nothing helps. Suicide is nothing that we should judge or be angry about. Instead we should try understanding how miserable the life of a depressed soul is. We should reach out and let people know that we love each other. What keeps me from committing suicide is my constant pursuit of my meaning in life. For some people that is not enough and frankly that is not an excuse to condemn them.

Depression is not a joke. Some of us are REALLY great at hiding our pain. They say the funniest people are the most tortured. I laugh and joke when inside I am hurting the most. Some people drink or do drugs to cope and once they are sober can't cope anymore. My husband lost a friend to suicide. I have had two friends struggle with mental illness, addiction and suicide. I personally stay away from excessive drinking or any drug use because I know how easily I could spiral. At times I feel hopeless. I feel worthless. I feel like I am doing no good being in this world and those are common things that depressed people say to themselves. It is hard to turn those thoughts off and sometimes just damn near impossible. If you are depressed, have an addiction, are self harming or contemplating suicide please, I am begging you, seek help!

You can find help at any of these places:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
http://www.nami.org/ 1-800-950-6264
http://www.aplaceofhope.com/ 

These sites offer phone numbers for different issues and countries:
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/reslist/tollfree.cfm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

You are not alone. You have support. If you are considering ending your life please seek help. Life is worth living you just have to find help to live it and there is no shame in that. Never be ashamed to ask for help. Call one of the above numbers or check out those sites. If you need someone to talk to please contact me. I will talk to anyone needing help and if you really need help I will personally give you my number. Suicide is tragic and you are not alone. If you do not understand depression, mental illness or suicide please go to the above websites and learn. You may save someone's life.

Thank you everyone for reading this. This was a particularly difficult post for me to write (took me several hours) but I felt it was necessary for everyone to understand the struggle people face in this cruel world. Don't be fooled by a happy face and a joke, there is often a lot of pain behind that smile. R.I.P. Robin Williams. I pray your family finds peace and I pray you have too.

11 August 2014

What is Happiness?

Happiness is inside of us all,

Waiting to be broken from it's heavy cage.

We want for it,

We need for it,

But we never look inside

And seek it.

Happiness is not an end goal

It is a pursuit in our lives.

Happiness is a baby's smile,

The warm sun on a Saturday,

A lover's kiss,

The memory of a joyous day,

Happiness is a glow we all wish to attain

But we don't really need to wish,

It lives deep within us

We just often forget.

Feel the warmth deep in your belly,

Connect with your soul

And feel the happiness

You always held locked within.

12 August 2014

Sometimes the Sun Can't Shine Bright Enough

The orchid in the window felt like the outside world was a beautiful place. The sun was always shining and the birds were always chirping but the orchid was not happy. No one appreciated her beautiful purple and white petals and deep green leaves. The orchid tried so hard to reach for the light and show off how grand it could be but no one ever noticed. That is when the orchid noticed that the sun did not shine directly on her. She never could truly feel the warm embrace of the sun. Eventually, after receiving no love and no sun, the orchid gave up and slowly wilted into nothing. Each little flowering bud fell off until the orchid was nothing but a hopeless stick. Unappreciated and unloved, the sad orchid settled down into the garbage bin for a final goodbye from the sun she so longed for.