Writing

Writing has been a lifesaver for me. It has brought me solace. It has helped me say things that I just couldn't say before. To everyone who reads this I want to thank you. Thank you for being a part of my process and encouraging me to continue when I wasn't sure if I wanted to. My writing is my reason and I am so happy that I have that.

Here are the promised stories now! Hope everyone has a good weekend!

26 February 2014

The Angel

Her heart was pounding. Fierce, hot tears were on the brink of spilling over her eye lids. Ashley was at the park, vigorously writing a note to someone. Her face was beat red and the world did not matter at that moment, only pain and anger. With her note done, she held it in her hand and looked at the beautiful world around her. If only the haze from her headache and crying hadn't made the world seem even more harsh. She no longer felt the need to take in the day, her time had come to move on from here.

“I am sorry to interrupt but you look like you could use a friend?” a kind stranger walked up to Ashley on her bench and held out her hand, “I am Ava. I love this park. I come here everyday and I saw you today. You looked so unhappy I felt a great urge to speak to you. It is like someone pushed me towards you.”

“Oh, hello, Ava?” asked Ashley to which Ava nodded in approval, “I am sorry you have wasted your time speaking to me. I really must go. Thank you for feeling the need to talk to me.” Ashley was about to run off but Ava placed her hand on Ashley's arm.

“Please stay for a moment. What harm could it do? I need a break from my walk and you look like you need someone to talk to,” said Ava. Ashley gave a weak nod of approval. Ava was right, she did need someone to talk to but maybe it was too late to talk. She would let Ava do what she needed and be on her way.

“So,” uttered Ashley, “um... sorry I can't think right now”

“Oh that is okay! It is such a nice day. Days like today really give me hope for the world. The sweet chirping of the birds, cars far off in the distance whizzing by, children laughing. Sometimes when I am feeling hopeless I come her and listen to all of the happy things around me. You see, this park gives me such bittersweet memories. I lived here not long ago but now I can just come visit.” Ava closed her eyes and absorbed the days warmth.

“You lived here?” asked Ashley, temporarily forgetting her pain, “Why? How Were you homeless?” feeling slightly embarrassed at asking so many questions, she blushed and put her head down.

“Oh don't be ashamed at curiosity. Yes, I was homeless. Sadly, it was my fault. I was very hung up on heroin and when I needed rest I came here. When I was a child, my sister would bring me here. Our stepfather did horrible things to us but my sister brought me here to give me some sense of happiness. That is why I came here to sleep and that is why I come here to walk. It is my happy place.

A couple of months ago I was fed up with life. I had been selling myself for heroin and anything I could get my hands on. I hated myself, I hated my life and one day I decided the world didn't need me. I came out here in the dead of winter, shot myself up and laid down to die. I woke up in a hospital surrounded by strangers.

These strangers were out looking for a lost dog and found me. They took me to the hospital and even paid for me to go to detox and rehab. I stay in contact with them even to this day and regard them as my family. They saved me and are kind enough to say I saved them. I come here to remember the peace I needed and found here. Sorry, I suppose that is a lot for a stranger to dump on another. I just felt you needed to hear it,” Ava was now holding Ashley's hand.

“I... I don't know... I am at a loss of words. You look so... normal? I don't mean that in a bad way but you certainly don't look like a heroin addicted, well former addict. You have opened up so much to me but I am sorry I cannot do the same for you,” Ashley felt ashamed that she could not tell Ava about her heartbreak and torment.

“Love, you do not need to explain anything to me. This world is so dark and pitiful at times. We all have our demons but we all should be allowed to have a few angels as well. I can read your depression all over your face. There is a deep pain in your eyes but I can assure you everything that is black contains all of the color within it,” with a glimmer of optimism in her eyes, Ava smiled at Ashley and hugged her.

“Thank you Ava, you kind soul. I will admit, I do not feel better but I feel less... destitute, alone, hopeless,” a single tear fell down Ashley's cheek but this tear wasn't a sad one any longer.

“I am supposed to meet my adopted family for lunch in a bit. Would you like to come?” asked Ava.

“No,” responded Ashley, “thank you but I live a couple blocks away, may I walk with you until I get home?” Ashley asked.

The young women walked and spoke of their lives, their passions and their dreams. All of Ashley's fears and depression seemed to wash away with the kindness of a stranger. After a brief stroll they made it to Ashley's apartment. Before she said goodbye, she handed Ava her note but not before scribbling something more on it.

On the note was a goodbye. It was written to Ashley's mother and was meant to be left on Ashley's bed next to her body. On the note Ashley added, Thank you for saving me along with her number. If that wonderful angel, Ava had not spoken to her, she would never have gotten the chance to see the true beauty and live her life new, bright eyes. She was saved that day and given new reason to hope.

27 February 2014

Realizations

Waiting rooms are always cold. The chill is just daunting. It doesn't matter what you are sitting in a waiting room for, there is a fearful coldness that makes you sweat but freezes you to the core. Now for people like myself, waiting rooms are 100% worse. Anxiety rushes through me like waves in the ocean. My heart flutters and my hands get balmy as I play on my phone pretending nothing is wrong.

I was sitting at this time, waiting for to see a head doctor or, as most people refer to them, a psychologist. I was there for precisely the feelings I was having whilst waiting for her. As I was waiting I could feel my heart and stomach making a race for my throat. Just as I was deciding if I was going to flee or throw up, the therapist called my name.

She was a sweet older woman. Very motherly and comfortable. As we walked to her office, she told jokes and asked where I got my name. It was nice. She made me feel less like I wanted to run and I had no fears of losing my lunch. We spoke for about 40 minutes. She asked me what brought me in and how my life was affected by everything I told her.

After sitting there for 40 minutes wringing my hands and fidgeting (all the while thinking Stop moving stop moving stop moving. She is going to notice. She is going to think you're nuts. STOP MOVING!) she finally asked me if I had ever looked up online anything I had described to her. I admitted I had but that I didn't like doing that because it would just freak me out that I was crazy. I told her that I had felt most similar to being bipolar and that it seemed like something that may be in my family.

“I am glad you came it that conclusion. I would like to assure you that you are not crazy. Now how does that make you feel? Are you comfortable with that sort of diagnosis?” she asked me.

How does that make me feel? How does that make me feel? I don't know! I don't ever know how I feel. I over feel. That is why I am here. Oh god I am crazy. I am a crazy nutty nut and now she knows that.

“Fine I suppose, I mean it is scary but at least it is an answer,” I responded putting aside all my anxiety filled thoughts.

She was so kind in her response. She explained to me that I am bipolar II based on what I have told her. She told me not to worry, that bipolar disorder gets a bad reputation but bipolar II is easily manageable and can be maintained with talking it out and sometimes medication. Now medication freaks me out. I love who I am I just do not love the sad and angry parts of me that are showing up more often. I don't want to be a zombie. I don't want to lose my happy self while I lose my sad self.

I explained this to her and she was so supportive. She let me know that my health is my decision. I should speak to a psychiatrist about medication but only to be fully informed. She explained that all I know is how my life is now. Getting information about medications can help me make an informed decision on my health and if I choose to not take anything that no one will ever judge me or pressure me into it.

The relief that came over me was almost too much to handle. I felt like crying but she is still a stranger and I can't be that vulnerable. I felt like I was in a calm pool not a stormy ocean. I finally had answers. I finally felt like someone understood me in a different way than my family and friends could. Getting an answer is terrifying but so gratifying at the same time. I no longer felt like I was crazy or “too emotional” as people like to say. I felt like I had something to identify with, something I could comprehend and get help for.

For many years now I have secretly been in torment because of my anxiety and depression. I sometimes avoid people so no one sees who I really am. I cry a lot and wonder why I am here and why anyone even associates with me when I don't even like myself. I have been searching for an answer to my “problems” and now I have one. I realize now that I am no longer free falling into an unknown, dark abyss. I have a safety net. I have a team to help me. I realize now that my husband can take a deep breath and feel some relief that he can have some help with me.

I have a long road ahead of me. I have good days and terrible days ahead. I will be happy sometimes and I won't. I will love myself sometimes and I will hate myself sometimes. At least now I can have something to hold and be instead of always wondering. Welcome to my world and my continuing journey of finding myself.