Today I am not sharing one of my daily written stories. Instead I am sharing with you my story. I made the decision, after much consideration and discussions with Scott, to make an appointment to see a doctor about my anxiety and depression. Kaiser has this great program now that is very supportive of mental health issues and drug/alcohol addiction. They do behavioral therapy and I made an appointment to see a therapist.
After talking to her for about 40 minutes she asked me how I felt about being diagnosed with something. I told her that I was scared but at this point I just want an answer. I had looked things up and always felt like I was possibly bipolar. She was very happy to hear that I was so receptive to a diagnosis. She then told me that I am almost to the tee bipolar, specifically bipolar II disorder.
Hearing that news was such a relief. The most relieving part about it is the fact that I no longer feel the need to lie to everyone. For many years now I have either put a smile on my face or avoided people at all costs possible. Luckily I have the most supportive husband in the world who has helped me through a lot of what I am dealing with. I don't feel scared anymore of judgement and being looked down on for having "problems". I can stop putting on an act and actually have something to fight head on.
I HIGHLY encourage everyone to look up bipolar disorder and understand bipolar I and bipolar II. There is a LOT of stigma attached to both and unfortunately that is why people like myself don't like talking about it. The fact of the matter is there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Some days I am over the moon! I feel great, I work out a lot, I eat really well, I am satisfied with life, I just feel content and good. Then I get a little manic. I workout too much, I get obsessed with things and I can get angry at the drop of a hat (or if Scott chews "wrong"). I start diving into hate and anger which turns into a deep depression where taking a shower is a GIANT accomplishment for the day.I start to feel up again and the cycle starts all over again.
The part that is frustrating is how sensitive I am all the time and how mean I can be. I am just rude sometimes.Scott gets the brunt of all my wrath. He occasionally gets to enjoy my happiness but more often than not, I am not a very happy person. I have noticed lately that I have had more downs than ups. This is just unfair to my wonderful husband and I am so glad I decided to get help.
Well that is my story, or at least what I am comfortable sharing on my blog. Today I am happy to talk about it, tomorrow I may regret telling the world I am bipolar. It really is empowering to say "I am bipolar" though so hopefully this feeling will stick and I can wear my diagnosis like a badge of honor. If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or if you need to talk to someone about anxiety, depression and/or bipolar disorder please feel free to talk to me. I would love to be a voice of encouragement and help anyone who needs it.
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