There are days I am totally fine. Sometimes I am happy as a peach, then I take a breath and everything changes. For example, I was with my husband in Winterpark. The drive was very pleasant and the day was fairly nice except for some rain. We parked the car and walked around a little bit. After a while i had to go to the bathroom. The restroom was completely empty and when I went to wash my hands a bunch of women walked in and my anxiety was triggered. I had to leave. I told Scott I had to leave. So we left but before we did, we stopped into a gas station to get snacks for our drive to Silverthorne. The entire time I was inside that gas station I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, I was having trouble breathing and I was nearly in tears. It was so bad I had to go sit in the car and wait for Scott to pay for our stuff. It took about an hour of silence in the car before I felt a little better. Wanna know what triggered all of this? Absolutely nothing. There is absolutely nothing that causes my anxiety.
I have traced it enough to know that my anxiety issues tend to follow a dip in my bipolar symptoms. Usually when I am at a low and depressed I am anxious for a couple days to a week after. When I am in the depressed and anxious stage I cannot be around people. I can hardy handle being at home around my animals and husband. I feel a great urgency to be alone and if I am not alone I tend to have panic attacks. When that happens I am inconsolable and tend to get angry because I cannot process everything that is going on around me or inside my head. To understand what it is like to have anxiety and panic attacks imagine that you are stuck in a metal box, told everyone you know is dead, loud music is banging around you and bees are stinging you. It is just utter chaos. Absolutely total chaos inside your head and it happens for no reason. When this happens I feel so helpless and so broken. I feel like a shell of myself. I am very introverted, I am a bit unstable and I am unable to do anything.
Now why am I sharing all of this? Because ever since I have been sharing my story with the world I have received a lot support and love. I was very scared to open up and share to the world that I have "problems" because I didn't want to be ridiculed but so far that hasn't happened. I have helped other people deal with their "problems" and that makes me feel less alone. I still feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders sometimes but I no longer feel so desperate and alone about it.
This all leads me to some tips for dealing with people who suffer from mental and personality disorders. Please stop telling us to just go out and do stuff. I really wish I could sometimes. I love going to yoga and the gym but sometimes I can barely get out of bed. Please stop telling us to just get hobbies or get a job we would enjoy. I currently work for myself because I had too many panic attacks working at my last job. I nearly got fired because my boss could not possibly understand why I was having so much anxiety. Getting a job is not the problem. Getting out of the house is not the problem. I have a therapist and have made great strides in being able to do things but some days I just can't so deal with it because I am trying. Please stop telling us to just get over it and talk to people. Sometimes I can't. I suggest open up your browser and looking up bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder and depression. Our country (America for those of you not in my country) has terrible mental health care. There is very little to no assistance for people dealing with any variety or mental and personality disorders. I have been lucky to have Kaiser Permanente who has rolled out a new form of behavioral and cognitive therapy. I have an amazing therapist who lets me talk out all my problems as often as I need to.
I guess what I am trying to get around to saying is that anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc. are real. They are real things that people really deal with and it is not very easy of a thing to do. I would also like to say that I would like to open a discussion with people about mental and personality disorders. I would like to try to help people better understand these things because it will make the world easier to deal with, at least for those of you who don't have problems but live with people who do!
Well thanks for listening to my long rant about my bout of anxiety this past week. I hope everyone had a pleasant week. I am currently a bit under the weather but hopefully tomorrow I will be better!
10
June 2014
The
Patient
“Thank
you Nena for coming to talk to me. Now why don't we start off by
telling me how you have been?”
“My
days have been good. The house is staying clean and I get my work
done. The only problem I have been having is that it is so lonely but
I think someone is trying to fix that. You see the other day I woke
up and there on my couch was my dead husband and our still born
child. I asked the children if they were playing a game on me and
they just cried and said no. So everyday I take them and dig up their
graves again and rebury them. I feed the children and go to sleep
only to wake up again in the morning and find my husband and
stillborn baby. I go through this routine everyday so now it is not
so upsetting. I just wish I knew who was digging up my husband and
stillborn child so I could thank them. I do enjoy seeing my loves
again. I just wish my children could appreciate seeing their father
and sibling again. Everything seems fairly happy these days I would
say. May I go on home now?” responded Nena to the psychiatrist.
“Yes
dear, you are all done. Let's take you home now,” the psychiatrist
led Nena to her room at the long term care facility for the mentally
unstable.
“How
was she today,” asked one of the doctors.
“She
was very pleasant today like always but we haven't broken any ground.
She still thinks she is at home and she still sees her dead husband
and stillborn baby. She is too weak right now to try to convince
otherwise,” explained the psychiatrist.
“Yes
well the accident was very tragic and she did lose her husband and
unborn baby in it. This will take time,” said the doctor as he
peered in on Nena. She was wrapped up tight in a straight jacket and
rocking back and forth on the bed humming and singing to her
stillborn baby she thought she was holding, “ for now we need to
keep her in treatment and maybe that will help her.”
“Poor
thing, it is so sad to watch such a strong woman snap like that,”
the psychiatrist and doctor walked off together to go speak to the
patient who thought everything she touched was fire.
11
June 2014
The
Apple and the Pea
The
apple and the pea were in the kitchen on the counter sitting in the
warm afternoon sun. After gathering some rays, boastful apple rolled
over to little pea to brag about how much better he was than the
little pea.
“Oh
hello little pea. Your green color is okay but not nearly as bright
and beautiful as me! Look how the sun shines so beautifully off my
red skin,” proudly announced the apple.
“Yes
apple I see your red skin but green colored food is the most
healthy,” shot back the pea.
“I
am beyond healthy! I am high in vitamin c and I account for one cup
of fruit a day. What is so special about a little pea?” scoffed
apple.
“Oh
little me alone isn't much but I have many friends! With my friends
we are also high in vitamin c but also vitamin e and omega-3 which
helps prevent Alzheimer's! We are low in fat and can help with weight
management. You are full of sugar and that is bad for people!”
smirked the pea.
At
this time the dog walked into the kitchen and watched this banter.
“Dog!
You dog over there! Tell us, who is better?” inquired the apple and
pea.
“It
is no matter to me which one of you is better. Apple you will be
chopped to pieces and pea you will be boiled. Both of you will end up
being eaten by my people and me. I guess that sucks for you both,”
barked the dog.
Apple
and pea turned and to each other and gulped. They would both be eaten
but it still had not been decided who was better.
“Clearly
the dog is a pessimist and does not understand life. Clearly I am
better than you pea,”
“I
beg to differ, apple. I at least will get to die with my friends. You
will die alone,”
The
dog shook his head and walked away. There was no use in arguing with
moronic food.
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