This post does not contain a story, instead it is my story. *Warning: I drop a few curse bombs*
In spring of 2014 my darling husband and I finally decided the time was right to have kids. We bought a big house so we could have a bunch of brats running around. I told my husband I wanted 10 kids, he thought I was crazy but I figured if I tell him 10 then the 4 I actually want won't seem so bad. We decided that summer would be a great time to stop birth control and take a "baby-makation" in Paris. What better way to end our childless days than a fancy trip to the city of love? I certainly hoped to get pregnant in Paris but I knew that the likelihood was slim so when I started my period (in Paris no less because the universe likes to joke with me) I was slightly bummed but I was in PARIS! I got over it and we kept trying. After 6 months of nothing we spoke to the doctor. I was not having regular periods and I was throwing loads of dollars away on pregnancy test and ovulation tests. My doctor didn't seem concerned. I was 26, we had only been trying 6 months and that was all normal. He said if I wasn't pregnant in another 6 months he would put in a call to the endocrinologist and have me checked for PCOS. He gave me some medication to force my periods and sent me on my merry way.
PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), a diagnosis many women are given, is typically easy to spot. You can usually tell because the signs are unexplained weight gain that is near impossible to lose, facial hair that is fairly visible and diabetes. I have none of that. I do have a hard time losing weight but that is because I am normal weight but I also have a hard time gaining weight. I have a few little rogue hairs but nothing too out of the ordinary for being female (News Alert: women get facial hair! Holy cow! Most women have blond mustaches! If they don't then they wax it. Get over it. It's not a secret anymore). I also don't have diabetes, technically. Ever since I was a teen I have had my glucose levels checked twice a year every year because both of my maternal grandparents have type 2 diabetes, the genetic type. I was told I had glucose problems but not diabetes. I have always been "weird" if I don't eat every 3 hours. I get dizzy and start slurring my words. I have a piece of candy and I am fine until I can eat a meal or large snack. I was never diagnosed hypoglycemic but that's essentially what was wrong. This causes PCOS which is a wide range term for infertility problems stemming from glucose instability and such which causes testosterone to go up slightly and estrogen to drop. This is the blanket term for what the f*** is wrong with me.
Six months passed and I decided to just go straight to the OB/GYN at Kaiser for help since the lady doctor would be more in tune with pregnancy than my primary care physician. I was slightly worried because the first time I saw the gynecologist at this Kaiser she was a raging bitch. It was almost 2 years before. I went in for my regular check up. I told her at this check up that my husband and I were going to start trying to have a family the next year. She told me, very matter of fact, that I was "too obese to get pregnant", this is while I am legs up with her med student who shadowed her that day doing my exam. The look the med student gave me was one of horror. Even she couldn't believe the doctor told me, at 5'5" and 145 pounds, that I was obese let alone too obese to get pregnant. I didn't even fall into the overweight category for my BMI!!! I never wanted to see that psycho again so I requested to not have her when I called. They asked if I would be okay with an LPN (a nurse with lots of cred) I almost yelled "of course! Anything but [Gyno Name Here]" and was given Laura Finley. Bless the lord for Laura but I will get into that more later. I went to see Laura and immediately felt secure with her, that could possibly be because she just happened to be a dear friend of a dear friend so we had that report, but also because she too had trouble getting pregnant. She had the same problems I was having, she put me on Metformin to stabilize my insulin and recommended I go to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine or CCRM. They are recognized as one of the top fertility clinics in the nation and Kaiser was getting rid of their endocrinology department (thanks Kaiser, that was super nice of you considering infertility is not covered by any insurance).
For the first time ever I was having regular, 28 day cycles! The Metformin not only stabilized by insulin but got rid of my pesky "weirdness" when I didn't eat. I had to cut done on my sugars or face serious stomach problems but other than that I could eat regularly 3 times a day and not like a 17 year old football player trying to carbo load for the big game the next day. I decided to hold off on going to a fertility clinic since my cycles were regular for the first time ever and see where the world took us. It took us to 3 very disappointed months and lots of negative pregnancy tests. Now by this time, many of my friends were also trying or "not really trying but not not trying" and all getting pregnant within a month or 2. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I was utterly crushed. It destroyed me every single time another friend announced they were pregnant to me. Now, I should really stress that I hold absolutely NOTHING against these women. Not a single thing. I am not mad at them, I am not hurt because of them. I am EXTREMELY happy for them! I truly am. I love babies and I am so happy to see new little people in the world. I was angry with my body. I was angry because I come from a long line of extremely fertile women. I was angry because I felt betrayed by myself.
It is about this time my depression started to get the best of me. We made an appointment at CCRM and hoped for the best. Then my father-in-law died. All he ever wanted was to be grandpa and now I had failed him. Questions and statements began being tossed my way. These questions/statements were asked by well meaning people and I answered them politely but then I would go home and cry myself to sleep. These questions/statements go something like this: What's taking you guys so long? You guys just need to stop trying! We got pregnant on the first try! Are you pregnant yet? It has been long enough. If you never say anything ever again or at all in your life make sure it is those statements or anything along those lines. I can't tell you how many times my husband had to pick me up off the couch or bathroom floor and take me to bed because I was too inconsolable to move. I began to feel hopeless but kept some hope for CCRM.
Going to CCRM has been one of the most horrible experiences of my life. It is extremely expensive, they are incredibly impersonal and I constantly felt like they were just forcing us to do a ton of tests to fleece us for money. They never give us the correct amount for how much something will cost and they are so unclear about the next steps. They actually refuse to diagnose me with anything until today. Today they finally said I have Undiagnosed Infertility. I really wanted to look at the robotic desk girl and say "what the fuck does that mean?" but I didn't because it has gotten to the point where if we suck up to them they help us. For several months I got poked with needles several times (getting my blood drawn is my most favorite thing in the entire world! *extreme sarcasm*), I had vaginal ultrasounds that cost as much as a plane ticket to Paris one way, I had my hopes dashed so many times that we actually started to get angry. Most people have never seen me cry, my husband had never seen me fall apart like I did at after our regroup after all of that invasive testing. The doctor told me he would give me medication if I agreed to having my husband tested (we already had him tested at Kaiser and he was fine but we also knew the fertility problems were mine not his) and if we agreed to doing IUI (intrauterine insemination). We agreed to their terms and now I have the medication I need to guarantee ovulation and we are making strides towards getting pregnant.
This is not how I saw myself getting pregnant. I imagined being married (check!) going on several vacations (Costa Rica, Chicago, California, Paris, Hawaii, check!) and then popping out 4 kids one right after the other! That all went as planned until the kid part. I have been completely destroyed by this. I felt like my womanhood was ripped away from me. I felt like God was punishing me for something. I felt like I had failed my father-in-law, my husband and my family. I felt completely broken and it hurt like nothing else has ever hurt before. I know, more than anything else, that I want to be a mother and now I have to face the fact that I may never get pregnant. I cry every day. I can't handle being around people because I feel I have disappointed everyone. I stopped writing. I stopped caring about everything. I very nearly gave up hope until today. Through it all, Laura has been my saving grace. She allows me to email her all of my fears and explains everything CCRM won't. She even gets answers for me when CCRM is being shady. She is an absolute angel!!!! She gives me the little bit of hope I cling to every month.
Being labeled infertile is a shitty, shitty feeling. Being told I can't do things on my own sucks. I have gained so much support since I began this journey and I have heard many closeted stories of infertility journeys. I have several friends who don't have kids that felt exactly like me. I realized I had a platform to tell my story and open the door to infertility. There is an extreme amount of shame that comes along with fertility problems. It is deep seeded and hurts. I don't feel like I can handle that shame any longer. I know I will be a mother one day. I know this journey has brought me so close to my husband that we could never break. I know that I have grown as a woman because of this and maybe that is the reason behind it. Maybe there is no reason at all but to add me to a list of millions of women who struggle. All I really know is this journey is not over but I will overcome it and probably cry through it all.
Until next time everyone!
