My Journey Through Infertility: It's Not For the Faint of Heart

This post does not contain a story, instead it is my story. *Warning: I drop a few curse bombs*

Infertility is something I never thought would be an issue in my life. I always worried I may never have kids because I am a worrier but I never really thought I would hear the words "infertile" thrown my way. Alas, those words have been chucked my way several times lately and I was finally diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Let's start from the beginning shall we?

In spring of 2014 my darling husband and I finally decided the time was right to have kids. We bought a big house so we could have a bunch of brats running around. I told my husband I wanted 10 kids, he thought I was crazy but I figured if I tell him 10 then the 4 I actually want won't seem so bad. We decided that summer would be a great time to stop birth control and take a "baby-makation" in Paris. What better way to end our childless days than a fancy trip to the city of love? I certainly hoped to get pregnant in Paris but I knew that the likelihood was slim so when I started my period (in Paris no less because the universe likes to joke with me) I was slightly bummed but I was in PARIS! I got over it and we kept trying. After 6 months of nothing we spoke to the doctor. I was not having regular periods and I was throwing loads of dollars away on pregnancy test and ovulation tests. My doctor didn't seem concerned. I was 26, we had only been trying 6 months and that was all normal. He said if I wasn't pregnant in another 6 months he would put in a call to the endocrinologist and have me checked for PCOS. He gave me some medication to force my periods and sent me on my merry way.

PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), a diagnosis many women are given, is typically easy to spot. You can usually tell because the signs are unexplained weight gain that is near impossible to lose, facial hair that is fairly visible and diabetes. I have none of that. I do have a hard time losing weight but that is because I am normal weight but I also have a hard time gaining weight. I have a few little rogue hairs but nothing too out of the ordinary for being female (News Alert: women get facial hair! Holy cow! Most women have blond mustaches! If they don't then they wax it. Get over it. It's not a secret anymore). I also don't have diabetes, technically. Ever since I was a teen I have had my glucose levels checked twice a year every year because both of my maternal grandparents have type 2 diabetes, the genetic type. I was told I had glucose problems but not diabetes. I have always been "weird" if I don't eat every 3 hours. I get dizzy and start slurring my words. I have a piece of candy and I am fine until I can eat a meal or large snack. I was never diagnosed hypoglycemic but that's essentially what was wrong. This causes PCOS which is a wide range term for infertility problems stemming from glucose instability and such which causes testosterone to go up slightly and estrogen to drop. This is the blanket term for what the f*** is wrong with me.

Six months passed and I decided to just go straight to the OB/GYN at Kaiser for help since the lady doctor would be more in tune with pregnancy than my primary care physician. I was slightly worried because the first time I saw the gynecologist at this Kaiser she was a raging bitch. It was almost 2 years before. I went in for my regular check up. I told her at this check up that my husband and I were going to start trying to have a family the next year. She told me, very matter of fact, that I was "too obese to get pregnant", this is while I am legs up with her med student who shadowed her that day doing my exam. The look the med student gave me was one of horror. Even she couldn't believe the doctor told me, at 5'5" and 145 pounds, that I was obese let alone too obese to get pregnant. I didn't even fall into the overweight category for my BMI!!! I never wanted to see that psycho again so I requested to not have her when I called. They asked if I would be okay with an LPN (a nurse with lots of cred) I almost yelled "of course! Anything but [Gyno Name Here]" and was given Laura Finley. Bless the lord for Laura but I will get into that more later. I went to see Laura and immediately felt secure with her, that could possibly be because she just happened to be a dear friend of a dear friend so we had that report, but also because she too had trouble getting pregnant. She had the same problems I was having, she put me on Metformin to stabilize my insulin and recommended I go to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine or CCRM. They are recognized as one of the top fertility clinics in the nation and Kaiser was getting rid of their endocrinology department (thanks Kaiser, that was super nice of you considering infertility is not covered by any insurance).

For the first time ever I was having regular, 28 day cycles! The Metformin not only stabilized by insulin but got rid of my pesky "weirdness" when I didn't eat. I had to cut done on my sugars or face serious stomach problems but other than that I could eat regularly 3 times a day and not like a 17 year old football player trying to carbo load for the big game the next day. I decided to hold off on going to a fertility clinic since my cycles were regular for the first time ever and see where the world took us. It took us to 3 very disappointed months and lots of negative pregnancy tests. Now by this time, many of my friends were also trying or "not really trying but not not trying" and all getting pregnant within a month or 2. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I was utterly crushed. It destroyed me every single time another friend announced they were pregnant to me. Now, I should really stress that I hold absolutely NOTHING against these women. Not a single thing. I am not mad at them, I am not hurt because of them. I am EXTREMELY happy for them! I truly am. I love babies and I am so happy to see new little people in the world. I was angry with my body. I was angry because I come from a long line of extremely fertile women. I was angry because I felt betrayed by myself.

It is about this time my depression started to get the best of me. We made an appointment at CCRM and hoped for the best. Then my father-in-law died. All he ever wanted was to be grandpa and now I had failed him. Questions and statements began being tossed my way. These questions/statements were asked by well meaning people and I answered them politely but then I would go home and cry myself to sleep. These questions/statements go something like this: What's taking you guys so long? You guys just need to stop trying! We got pregnant on the first try! Are you pregnant yet? It has been long enough. If you never say anything ever again or at all in your life make sure it is those statements or anything along those lines. I can't tell you how many times my husband had to pick me up off the couch or bathroom floor and take me to bed because I was too inconsolable to move. I began to feel hopeless but kept some hope for CCRM.

Going to CCRM has been one of the most horrible experiences of my life. It is extremely expensive, they are incredibly impersonal and I constantly felt like they were just forcing us to do a ton of tests to fleece us for money. They never give us the correct amount for how much something will cost and they are so unclear about the next steps. They actually refuse to diagnose me with anything until today. Today they finally said I have Undiagnosed Infertility. I really wanted to look at the robotic desk girl and say "what the fuck does that mean?" but I didn't because it has gotten to the point where if we suck up to them they help us. For several months I got poked with needles several times (getting my blood drawn is my most favorite thing in the entire world! *extreme sarcasm*), I had vaginal ultrasounds that cost as much as a plane ticket to Paris one way, I had my hopes dashed so many times that we actually started to get angry. Most people have never seen me cry, my husband had never seen me fall apart like I did at after our regroup after all of that invasive testing. The doctor told me he would give me medication if I agreed to having my husband tested (we already had him tested at Kaiser and he was fine but we also knew the fertility problems were mine not his) and if we agreed to doing IUI (intrauterine insemination). We agreed to their terms and now I have the medication I need to guarantee ovulation and we are making strides towards getting pregnant.

This is not how I saw myself getting pregnant. I imagined being married (check!) going on several vacations (Costa Rica, Chicago, California, Paris, Hawaii, check!) and then popping out 4 kids one right after the other! That all went as planned until the kid part. I have been completely destroyed by this. I felt like my womanhood was ripped away from me. I felt like God was punishing me for something. I felt like I had failed my father-in-law, my husband and my family. I felt completely broken and it hurt like nothing else has ever hurt before. I know, more than anything else, that I want to be a mother and now I have to face the fact that I may never get pregnant. I cry every day. I can't handle being around people because I feel I have disappointed everyone. I stopped writing. I stopped caring about everything. I very nearly gave up hope until today. Through it all, Laura has been my saving grace. She allows me to email her all of my fears and explains everything CCRM won't. She even gets answers for me when CCRM is being shady. She is an absolute angel!!!! She gives me the little bit of hope I cling to every month.

Being labeled infertile is a shitty, shitty feeling. Being told I can't do things on my own sucks. I have gained so much support since I began this journey and I have heard many closeted stories of infertility journeys. I have several friends who don't have kids that felt exactly like me. I realized I had a platform to tell my story and open the door to infertility. There is an extreme amount of shame that comes along with fertility problems. It is deep seeded and hurts. I don't feel like I can handle that shame any longer. I know I will be a mother one day. I know this journey has brought me so close to my husband that we could never break. I know that I have grown as a woman because of this and maybe that is the reason behind it. Maybe there is no reason at all but to add me to a list of millions of women who struggle. All I really know is this journey is not over but I will overcome it and probably cry through it all. 

Until next time everyone!

I'm back!

It has been a VERY long 3 1/2 months. So much has happened and I have failed to update my blog about it all. As Scott has said to me, I have managed to completely bury one hatchet only to uncover another. I find it hurtful when people cannot be supportive during a time of grieving but I love my family and I will always be there for the ones who lost the most, Karen, Scott and Amanda. 

Since May, I have visited Nakita in Virginia Beach With Krysta. It was an awesome trip and we got to see dolphins on a dolphin sighting tour! It was incredible! We spent plenty of time on the beach and drank a little too much a couple nights (we can blame Target for having an entire aisle dedicated to wine with a buy 6 deal). After Virginia, I came back and got tattoos with Karen, Misty, Scott and Amanda. Technically, Scott got a tattoo after his mother but only by about an hour :) 

We spent lots of time enjoying Colorado, playing with the baby I watch, Axel, going to Rockies games, brewing beer, having BBQs, spending time with friends, and all around trying to find the beauty in life again. I got to see Nikki and Ava. Scott and I took Nikki to see Say Anything a week after we had already seen them in Denver! It made up for missing them twice last year. Scott and i played on the beach and watched the sun set. We even got to go camping this summer! Racing has been the hardest but this was a great final season, even if we only got in a couple of races thanks to Colorado's unpredictable weather.

I would have to say the most eventful thing that happened all summer would have to be my mom getting married. My brother Darren and I were able to surprise her in Vegas and it was an excellent trip! She looked absolutely beautiful and I am very happy with her new husband. He fits in with our family very well. 

I hope everyone is having a good summer! Please enjoy the first piece of writing I have done since Ken passed and my pictures of this summer. It is a new normal now but I am happy to be back.

The Medici Fountain

The sun was making its way towards kissing the horizon. A pink glow had settled in the Luxembourg Gardens and the quiet buzz of Paris was coming alive as Parisians walked home from a busy day at work. Sophie sat by the Medici Fountain awaiting her beloved Marcel. She couldn't wait to tell him about her promotion. She was getting her own office and her own staff for the magazine. It is what she had always dreamed of. She knew Marcel would be thrilled with her newest achievement; his father was a journalist from London and was experienced with how cutthroat her field could be.

As she waited, a slight breeze swept by shaking the ivy around the dark yet romantic fountain. Sophie gazed up the reflective pond leading to the statues of Acis, Galatea and the giant, Polyphemus. She imagined the heartache Galatea felt after Polyphemus murdered her sweetheart with a crushing blow of a boulder. She found comfort in knowing Acis was turned into a river to live on forever by Galatea, but the sadness of the destruction and suffering looming over the scene before her left a shadow on the serenity it portrayed. She ignored the threatening giant and focused on the intimacy of the lovers below him. Entwined in an embrace only those who have loved before could comprehend. As she smiled at her own daydreams she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to see Marcel.

“Marcel!” she jumped up, draping her slender arms around his neck, hugging him with affection and tenderness.

“How are you Sophie?” he asked, quite formally. She pondered what this meant but quickly shoved it from her mind.

“I am wonderful mon amour! I got the promotion I wanted!” She excitedly told him about her new office, her new staff and her new responsibilities. As she chattered away her joyous news she noticed Marcel wasn't smiling. She had just given him the best news she could at this moment and he seemed indifferent to it.

“Isn't that such great news? Let's go to Les Deux Magots to celebrate!”

“Yes, that is great but maybe another night?”

“What is wrong Marcel?” a tinge of irritation creeping into her question.

“Sophie,” he breathed out her name like he was unburdening it from his lips, “my mother is leaving my father and moving back to her family home in Avignon.”

She felt like the wind had knocked her feet out from under her. His parents were the epitome of love and solidarity. She simply could not imagine one without the other.

“Oh my darling, how awful! What happened?” she asked moving towards him but her stepped away.

“She fell in love with someone else from her childhood. My father is already on his way back to London to be with his family. Sophie, I am moving with her.”

If she had felt like her feet had been kicked out from under her before, this certainly left her feeling like a solid fist had made impact with her stomach. Her world came hurtling to a stop. Confusion and resentment began to boil inside of her.

“But Marcel, I cannot go with you. I just got this promotion. It is my dream,” she pleaded with him.

“I know, I do not intend for you to come with me. Sophie, I do not love you. This is not fair to you. I don't think I ever did love you. I felt great admiration for you and I deeply desired to love you but I just couldn't. You aren't the one for me and this situation with my parents made me see that more clearly. I am sorry if I hurt you.”

Sophie felt like Acis and Marcel's words were Polyphemus' boulder; she was crushed and on the verge of being left in a river of her own tears. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, not allowing Marcel to see the pain she was shielding behind her quick smile as she opened her eyes again.

“Well Marcel, I am very sad for your poor father. I know he adored your mother. I hope you find all the happiness in the world in Avignon. Please let me know when you have settled and how your mother is doing. I must go, I just remembered I need to write out some requests for my new assistant. Adieu Marcel, adieu.” With a single kiss to the cheek, she left Marcel and the turbulent fountain scene behind her.

Paris is a city full of love. From the architecture to the pretty floral arrangements in windows to the people on the streets, everywhere there is love. Sophie didn't feel distressed by all of the blatant expressions of ardor around her, instead it gave her hope. Unfortunately, this did nothing to lessen the grief growing in her heart each step she took away from Marcel. When she finally made it to the apartment they shared and noticed he had already removed all of his belongings only then did she allow the anguish to over come her. Sobbing by the window, looking out at a picturesque view of the Eiffel Tower and busy strangers below, her tears pounded the window sill she sat in until the sky seemed to have some sympathy and begin to cry with her. Rain in Paris creates an even more striking scene which seemed to calm her a bit. As she quietly wept at her life being torn apart her little black cat hopped in her lap and demanded all of her attention.

“Oh hello Monsieur Chat,” Sophie, the writer, had named their cat. She thought it fit him quite well, “I see he left you to be with me. At least I am not alone. I shall thank Paris, and you, for being gloomy with me tonight.” Sophie would allow herself to be heartbroken for the time being but knew she would need to pull herself up for her new position, “Tomorrow. Monsieur Chat, we are going to find a new home, a fresh start. Marcel may not have ever loved me but I know you absolutely must!”

She kissed her black cat on his head and eventually fell asleep watching the lights twinkle on the Eiffel Tower. Misery keeping her awake until the resilient angels of exhaustion carried her away where she would dream of Marcel knowing he would not lose sleep over her. The statues at the Medici Fountain seemed to predict her fate this day but she knew, deep down, life was not simply a scene from a Greek tragedy, especially not in Paris.